Lessons From A Failure
Wow. How dramatic is that title? Pretty fucking dramatic. But also, not inaccurate. People all of my life have underestimated me— and on more than one occassion I have proven them right. I have allowed people to belittle me and think that I won’t make it. But they’re wrong. What they don’t know is that through all of my failures I have bounced back. I always do. Maybe not in the way that any of us expected, but I do.
I Almost Failed High School
By almost, I pretty much did. I had the lowest GPA and I have zero clue how they allowed me to walk that stage to get my diploma. School didn’t come naturally to me and I had to work really hard for my C’s, and I hated every second of it. I never felt like enough. Getting a F on a test was a reoccurring occurrence that I just accepted. Even though I would study, it didn’t take. I always felt defeated. I cried almost every day my senior year when my friends were getting accepted to universities and I was getting rejected from every single one. The only saving grace I had was community college- which gave me my first bounce back. But I was also made to feel ashamed for going to community college.
Looking back, community college proved to me that I wasn’t a failure in school. I was able to take the amount of classes I wanted to succeed. It took me five years to finish getting my associates. But I did it. I was able to say, “this is too much for me” and cut the amount of classes I was taking. I was able to focus on a couple of classes at a time. After I got my associates I said I would never go back to school. I had a job and I didn’t need anything else. However, I hated my fucking job. Then I took on another job that I didn’t hate, but I realized I wanted more. So.. when I was 29 I went back to school. Full time. At a university. And got my bachelors degree.
For two years straight I gave up my life for a piece of paper. I got chubby because the only thing that would keep me focus on writing those damn papers was a bag of Lay’s Sour Cream and Onion chips at my side. During my graduation ceremony, I cried. I did it! It took my a hell of a lot longer than my peers. But I did it. Sometimes I wish I could run into my high school teachers and be like, “You made me feel like I wouldn’t amount to anything. But the right people in my corner made it possible for me to graduate college with a 3.8 GPA. They saw the light in me and told me to keep going.”
I Didn’t Find My Career In My Twenties
Maybe not even in my thirties, but I like to think I finally did. I had a lot of bad jobs. Some that I thought would turn into careers disguised as valuable lessons. Each of those shitty jobs I learned something new about myself.
Retail: I learned that I like business. I like numbers (hate math, but like making money). I like working with different people and developing people. This is when I went back to school- so that I could learn to make a lot of money doing this. The biggest lesson I learned: Secure women will lift you up and celebrate your success. Insecure women will backstab you & make you feel less than. Looking back, I know that they were jealous. Not me being conceited. I was a great leader and they couldn’t get the hang of it.
Recruiter: This was supposed to be my adult job. I only lasted 2 months. I learned to trust my instinct. During the interview process I would call Matt and say, “I don’t care if I get the job or not.” This is a red flag. You should care. If your gut is telling you no, listen to it. Don’t just accept any job. I cried every single day with this place. I would stop at the liquor store almost daily to numb the pain (I’m not a big drinker, probably once or twice a month will I have one cocktail). One morning I woke up, took a long hot shower, and decided I wasn’t going back. I woke up Matt saying, “Hey. I’m not going back to work.”
Some Job That I Still Don’t Know What I Was Doing: Interview process was great. We laughed and had a grand ol’ time. But you know what question I didn’t ask in the interview process? “What’s the movement like in this company?” Once I got my foot in the door I realized there were no opportunities to grow. And I immediately collected the paycheck and checked out.
Retail. Again: This was my stepping stone to something else. I will be successful. I’m just not sure what it is. So I took the job that wouldn’t consume my brain while I tried to figure it out again.
Current Job: I have pep in my voice when I talk about how happy I am. I took my own advice when I tell people to “ask for what they want.” A month in I told my boss that I wanted his job. He replied, “I love this. Let’s set up a meeting.” I’m excited to work. I find that I’m making time for me again because I’m not numbing the pain or looking for ways unwind. I’m cool as a cucumber. I’m learning who I am again.
I’m A Thinker. Not A Doer.
I have an entrepreneurial mind. But I am so fucking lazy. This blog was supposed to make me a millionaire by now. But it didn’t happen overnight. So I got bored. Or, when I convinced Matt that we were going to be super successful with an online Etsy shop. We even went to the craftstore to buy a Cricut. He just wants me to have a hobby. He supports all these crazy ideas because he’s a good man and believes that the next thing is going to make me happy. To shut me up he says, “that’s great, babe. You should definitely do it.” And then I think, “If I fail. Everyone will know." So I won’t do it and people won’t have to see me fail again.
The only person I have been hurting is myself. The only person I have been silencing all these years, is myself. What I am slowly realizing is that- you don’t care about me as much as I care about me. The walls I have built are only making me lonely- not you. I have failed because I don’t try. But. Here I am trying. Here I am- happy for the first time in a long time. I might be failing in some aspects of my life. That’s okay. Because for the first time in a long time- I see myself striving. I have pictured myself successful and I can slowly, but surely see myself morphing into her. That failure that has scared me has now enlightened me.
