Ins(ecurities)tagram
You know what is interesting? I think about my blog all the time and feel like I have a lot of content ideas. Then I sit at my desk and I have nothing. Does that happen to you? It’s like the moment I come to write (my favorite part) I draw a blank. I worry about not having a catchy blog title, I worry that nobody is going to read it (so what if they aren’t?), I worry about my Instagram and if I’m posting enough (I’m not), I wonder if my photos are “catchy enough.” Then, I go on Instagram. I see what other bloggers are doing, posting, saying, what trends they are creating, etc. That’s when my creativity kinda disappears. I get overwhelmed with what everyone else is doing. I’m allowing Instagram to rob me of my creativity.
I have finally come to understand my way of thinking with my website and social media. I’m competing with people who don’t matter. I’m comparing myself to situations that I don’t want to be in- just to fit in. I tell myself lies all day every day and I have begun to hurt myself along the way. It’s hard to know what is a lie and what is a truth because somewhere along the way, I have started to believe my lies. Only recently have I started to really look inward and have started to call myself out on my own bullshit. The lies you tell yourself are not the lies you say out loud to your friends or family (not for me anyways), they’re excuses that are getting in the way of my greatness.
I have always known I was going to be great. I never knew at what, but I know that there is going to be a moment in my life where I have my “aha” moment and I will be brave enough to allow my greatness to take over. Also, my idea of greatness or success is not the situation I am in now. I have a job, I make money, I cry in the mornings because I hate my job, I work until 5, make dinner at 6, asleep by 10, and I do this Monday through Friday. I want something that gets me excited in the mornings. That when a problem arises I feel passion in my bones to get it resolved. When people ask me if I’m happy I can say yes! I KNOW that this is something that is attainable to me, so why do I keep standing in my own way of greatness? Because I love to lie to myself. I love to believe what people think about me or that they care about what I’m doing. I love to believe the IMAGINARY things I believe they say about me. You know when you have that gut feeling when someone doesn’t like you so you keep trying to change their mind? It’s like that. If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you are one of those people who are most likely living in your most authentic ways, so bask in your level of freedom.
I think by now you can gather that I am insecure. I’m not trying to hide that from you. Not on my website anyways. Social media I’m still a coward with putting myself out there. Have you ever seen someone living their truth on social media and not giving a F what people think, but then there is some troll that tries to break their spirit? That is who I am holding back from. That fear is telling me that I won’t be strong enough for the naysayers. Fear is a friggen liar. I have allowed it to control me for so long that I need to break free from it. I have built these walls that are so high that I need to work on tearing them back down. It’s not easy being vulnerable or sharing my truth, but I will.
Lies I keep telling myself:
I need new clothes to stay on trend. First, I’ve lost joy in shopping. I actually don’t love trendy pieces and honestly- I feel so beyond sexy in a white button down shirt or a white t-shirt. Second, quality of clothing is not the same. I can’t justify the price tag with what I am receiving. So that’s why I stock up at thrift stores for a fraction of the cost, and then when it’s had it’s time in my closet I resell it.
I’m not pretty enough to put my face out there. If you go on my Instagram, I’m usually in some sort of filter that distorts my face to make it more pleasant to look at than the what I actually look like. It makes me sad writing that. That is a hard truth to actually write out, but I’m assuming I’m not alone. I ended up doing a social media unfollow frenzy. I felt like it was important for me to delete the people that I was comparing myself to. Instead, I followed people with passions that mimicked mine, things that inspired me, things that I wanted to mirror.
I have nothing interesting to say. Well… this may be true or untrue. I haven’t decided yet. Truthfully, I forced myself to sit here at the computer and not really think about what I was going to write. I told myself not to be super focused on the title and just write. And, 5 seconds into writing I figured out I was going to be listing my insecurities with Instagram. (hmm… I also think I just came up with the title. Sometimes, mindless typing and just writing does pay off).
I’m not enough. This is another hard thing to admit. Last week, I went to the doctors and they asked me if I had this feeling of not being enough. I cried as I said yes. Who decides that I am not enough? Only myself. I believe the lies that I tell myself. I believe people think about all the stupid things I do or say all the time that I don’t want to ever be myself. I am forcing myself to change this thought process. It’s not going to be an overnight thing. This is going to be a process to finally obtain freedom of living for myself and less about impressing others. I try to surround myself with the people who are unapologetically living their truths, but it’s still intimidating to be around strong people. That’s not a them problem, that’s a me problem. You have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I repeat this about 100 times day. I swear.
I’m allowing Instagram to rob me of my creativity. This was the last sentence of my first paragraph. I’m robbing myself of my own creativity by comparing myself to others. People are clever on social media. We always wish we could have thought that up- but the truth is- we probably wouldn’t have. However, if I spend less time on social media and more time living my life- then I probably would have more time to be creative.